And so, after a long time, here I am again.
I don't know why I still bother updating. It's not like anyone reads this anymore. But then that's not the reason I blog. Guess I need to put down my thoughts somewhere and am too lazy to reach for pen and paper.
Anyway, October is ending and before you know it it'll be November and two weeks more to my birthday. I have been dreading my birthday for a while now, but I wasn't too sure why. Now that my birthday is closer I think I might have somewhat of an idea.
My birthday is, it seems to me, a milestone. Like when you are walking alone (when I picture it, it always is alone) along the dirt path and there is a stone telling you that you have reached how far a distance away from this so and so place. Likewise, my birthday marks the end of my form 3 life, the end of all things certain. You don't know what's gonna happen during the holidays. When you get your PMR results. I am especially scared, because if I don't get my straight As you won't even see my face in school next year. I'll be bumped off the Singapore so fast I won't have time to protest. It's non negotiable, of course.
I dread my birthday because after that milestone, the winding dirt path is unlit, unmapped. An unknown road stretching on and on as far as the eye can see. And as I continue walking that path, on and on, with uncertainty and doubt that I won't show everyday. Eventually I will find my way again, but will I be elated? Or not?
I don't want to study in Singapore, for more reasons than I care to admit to myself. Who wants to start over anyway. I am perfectly happy here. It's not like I hate my current school and can't wait to move schools, where the grass is greener on the other side, and yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. I like it here. I don't wanna switch schools.
Who wants to turn 15 anyway? I don't want to grow up. What's so fun about growing up? Didn't you like it better when you were young, when you believed anything was possible, when what brought you the greatest joy was seeing bubbles floating in the sky. I do miss those days. Every year and every birthday pulls me farther and farther apart from my childhood days. I wish I could relive that again. Being a child is so carefree, don't you think so? But I can't stop myself from growing up.
My future. It is a big question mark. My birthday, the dreaded milestone. And as long as I don't reach that milestone, I will never have to face the future.
