Even the stars refuse to shine

Today was a day where my suck-at-everythingness manifested itself very apparently. I couldn't write a French essay. I was so completely lost in chemistry. Couldn't do the quiz, couldn't do the practices. Can't do econs, can't do math, can't do anything and everything.

I have always wondered if there are people who are not good at anything, and I wonder if that category also applies to me. I am neither productive nor smart nor good at anything really. Mediocracy must define me.

Today is one of the days where I feel like curling up and dying. Nothing I do is right. Nothing I do is guilt-free, everything has an opportunity cost. There is nothing I feel like doing; all I want to do is to curl up and sleep an eternal sleep. 

I've always believed myself to be a person of high rebound. You can knock me down but I'd be sure to get back up and catch up, eventually. But even with my optimism and cannot-die attitude I cannot pull myself away from the feeling that I am stupid. And I am a good-at-nothing. Today this feeling overrides everything. Even this post that I'm writing now is an evidence of my primary-school-standard essay writing and my non-existent thought communication skills.

I feel trapped and lagging. But I will tough it out. I will struggle, I will fall, I will wallow, but I will get back up again. I'll need time. I will be back.

Somewhere out there are blue skies, green grass.
It's funny how I never turn to my blog when I have something happy to say.
I like it here a lot. But sometimes I just feel like I need to escape. To a place where I can be alone, at peace. No obligations, no conflicts, just me, my thoughts, and my God.
No choosing. No being torn. No heartbreak. No regret. No remorse. No feeling bad. No opportunity cost. No misunderstanding. No judgments. No waking up tired. No chaos.
Just space and quiet and nothingness.