Echoes in the suburb.

It's back again.
It came back as suddenly as it went away.
Visions of a silhouette walking on the pavement of a bustling city street. Tall buildings on both sides of the road, yellow taxis with horns blaring. Traffic light at red.
There were never any pedestrians. No one walking on the pavement except the lone silhouette.
The cars never moved. They were just waiting for the light to turn green. In my visions, the lights were always red.
And the sound of car horns echoing in the street.
I haven't had that vision in a long time, but suddenly it's just back again. It's pretty simple and uncomplicated but I guess there's something you can draw out from it.

The rainy day

Rainy days are when you slow down to think.

I have a lot of things to do, but i don't seem to have the will to do it. I keep pushing it to the next day and the next, and at the end of the year I will realize that nothing changed. I keep postponing having to clear my study room, having to sort out the remainder of my books, having to do this and to do that. I keep postponing, but I don't know what I'm waiting for.
In another 20 or less days, PMR results are gonna be out.
This thought which has never occurred to me ever before has suddenly surfaced in my thoughts. See, that's what rainy days do to you.

But I sure as hell am not ready to end this chapter of my life.

Riddle #1

A child is feeding ducks by the pond in the park. The child is feeding the ducks happily.
It starts to rain. The child runs for shelter.
The child makes a phone call to his mother.
The mother drives from home to pick up the child.
On the way, she accidentally drives into a neighbor's front lawn due to poor vision.
The neighbor opens his living room window and starts shouting unpleasantries and demanding compensation.
Harassed mother apologizes and drives on.
Not long after, she crashes into a fallen tree, denting her newly purchased automobile.
She drives on, faster now, for the child's sake.
Then she caught speeding and is flagged down and fined by a traffic cop for violating traffic rules.
Finally she arrives at the park. The child gets into the car.
The mother starts scolding the child, telling him all the trouble she has gone through to pick him up in the rain.
The child feels sorry. He realizes how much trouble he has caused.
He realizes the hardships he has put his mother through by going to the park to feed the ducks.
Suddenly, he wished he had never gone to the park.
But how was he supposed to know that it was going to rain?

Things

I was just rummaging through the odds and ends from earlier this year and the end of last year that I have been meaning to sort out. Stuff that comes from my pockets when I come back to school. Bits of paper with what seemed at the time important ( I wouldn't have kept them otherwise), straw hearts, book marks, random name tags, little souvenirs, bits of ribbon and stuff like that. I was sorting through the little pile, deciding what to keep, what to throw. I kept most of the knick knacks and souvenirs. But most of the little notes went right into the bin. Stuff that I had written down that was important before but not now, things that have been decided for me. Memories that I once held dear but not anymore.

I wonder why at the time I didn't discard all those stuff. Might have partly been due to my laziness or something, but maybe those were things I wanted to keep at the time. But then now it's not important anymore, for some reason or another. Some things are always important, but the importance of other things changes from time to time. There are memories I can choose to forget, yet there are some that I'll always hold on to, be it bitter or sweet. I might not make sense, And I might not have gotten my point across.

And I guess I've chosen to move on from some things. Other things, never. Still holding on to memories cos its the only thing you have left you'll never get to relive it again.

Toy soldiers

Wonder if you ever heard the song before. About toy soldiers. Try guessing.

dread

And so, after a long time, here I am again.

I don't know why I still bother updating. It's not like anyone reads this anymore. But then that's not the reason I blog. Guess I need to put down my thoughts somewhere and am too lazy to reach for pen and paper.

Anyway, October is ending and before you know it it'll be November and two weeks more to my birthday. I have been dreading my birthday for a while now, but I wasn't too sure why. Now that my birthday is closer I think I might have somewhat of an idea.

My birthday is, it seems to me, a milestone. Like when you are walking alone (when I picture it, it always is alone) along the dirt path and there is a stone telling you that you have reached how far a distance away from this so and so place. Likewise, my birthday marks the end of my form 3 life, the end of all things certain. You don't know what's gonna happen during the holidays. When you get your PMR results. I am especially scared, because if I don't get my straight As you won't even see my face in school next year. I'll be bumped off the Singapore so fast I won't have time to protest. It's non negotiable, of course.

I dread my birthday because after that milestone, the winding dirt path is unlit, unmapped. An unknown road stretching on and on as far as the eye can see. And as I continue walking that path, on and on, with uncertainty and doubt that I won't show everyday. Eventually I will find my way again, but will I be elated? Or not?

I don't want to study in Singapore, for more reasons than I care to admit to myself. Who wants to start over anyway. I am perfectly happy here. It's not like I hate my current school and can't wait to move schools, where the grass is greener on the other side, and yadda yadda yadda, blah blah blah. I like it here. I don't wanna switch schools.

Who wants to turn 15 anyway? I don't want to grow up. What's so fun about growing up? Didn't you like it better when you were young, when you believed anything was possible, when what brought you the greatest joy was seeing bubbles floating in the sky. I do miss those days. Every year and every birthday pulls me farther and farther apart from my childhood days. I wish I could relive that again. Being a child is so carefree, don't you think so? But I can't stop myself from growing up.

My future. It is a big question mark. My birthday, the dreaded milestone. And as long as I don't reach that milestone, I will never have to face the future.

trials

So trials are over.
I think all of my subjects can get A except maybe BM cos I suck but hope encik Lim doesn't hate me enough to give me a B la huh!

Can get A but so what I'm not happy lor cos all only marginal As no chance of high As cos I'm forever studying last minute so whatever la!

Can't understand why I don't study, get bad results, and get upset about it.

Okay gonna watch Glee now!

sanity

So tell me someone,
That life is real,
That time is not an illusion,
That all is not a dream.
For every moment I am here
I struggle to stay sane.

sighfolyfe

I really hate being the eldest grandchild. Bet very few of you would have had this "privilege", but believe me, given a choice I would have gladly put myself somewhere in the middle instead.

I am the first child of my grandmother's first child. Therefore I was the eldest grandchild. For the first year and ten months of my life I was doted upon, taken pictures of, basking in the love and attention of my grandparents and uncles and aunties and whatnot. But I don't really know how it feels like, cos I suppose I was too young to remember. I really envy this kind of attention that the only child/ or youngest child in the family gets all their life. Mine only lasted that short two years because, well, my brother came along. And then my cousin, and another cousin.

Let's draw the line here. This was even before Clarence or Isaac came along. The picture above shows the lunar new year of 04/05, i can't remember. And as you can see I am the one on the furthest left, the oldest one, the tallest one. Even then, you could see that I didn't fit in. I was at least a head taller than my cousins, and physically and mentally older too. I don't play the games they play. My brother and my cousin was one year apart, if he was 7 then she would be 6, and her brother would be 4. You can see the age gap. Me and my brother never played together anyway, and I was 3 years apart from my cousin. If they were playing together I would be reading a book. When my grandfather gave out presents everyone got toys and I got colour pencils. When we the grandchildren were asked to smile so some adult could take a picture of us (like the one above) I always felt awkward because I was so big, and they were so... small.

I had never felt young when we were having annual one-week family reunions in my grandma's house during Chinese new year. I was the biggest, the oldest, the one in charge. I wasn't allowed to think like a child i had to be practically grown up and responsible. If someone does something wrong, I would get the blame. If i do something wrong, i would be scolded for not being a good example If someone fell down, I would get chided for not looking after them properly. I didn't ask to be anyone's babysitter, but somehow I always was. I was expected to help sweep the floor or something while everyone else continued playing. The fact that I was so much more physically huger than them made me feel more different then I already was. I think that somehow contributed to making me what I am today. Perhaps that's why I am always so childish in school. Everytime I'm with my cousins I'll be forced to grow up, so maybe when I'm with my friends I refuse to grow up. Perhaps that's why I let my friends mother me instead, isn't that a nice change after minding three boisterous children? Maybe that's why I'm so immature in school, because I want to forget feeling "grown up an responsible"?

The eldest grandchild always tended to get overlooked. Especially after Isaac and Clarence came along. Both of them were so
lucky, although the age difference between them and us were at least 5 years, they were exactly the same age. they could be best of friends all right And the four of us (especially me) were given no more thought or notice. We were expected to mind ourselves while everyone else fussed and fretted over the two of them, attending to their every whim and complain. Sometimes, we were even expected to give in to them too!

I cannot stand giving in. All my life, I have been expected to give in to my brothers all my cousins, just because "well, they're younger than you". I have never ever had it my way before. I've always gotten second best to what I've wanted. I feel foolishly awkward playing alongside my cousins. I've been chided for things not my fault. I've been overlooked, unnoticed, like something in the background, which no one gives a second thought about. I've never been anyone's favorite, never been given special attention, I've always felt like a huge waste of space.

Well, I just hope the other eldest grandchilds don't suffer the same fate as me.

blah

SUPER. SUPER. DAMN. BAD. MOOD.

Post Created Jun 26, 2011 4:07:14 PM

Okay, I have absolutely no idea what is up with kids these days. It's either they are lonely and crave the attention of an older person or something, or maybe they want older siblings.

BUT HEY I AM THE OLDEST CHILD IN MY FAMILY AND YOU DON'T SEE ME STALKING PEOPLE FIBE YEARS OLDER THAN ME WHEN I WAS 10 do you.

It's creepy ok.

I'm a kiddo myself. Idk how to handle it.

heese

a lot of things have been happening since school reopened.
position in class dropped by nine places. ha.
there's other stuff but i won't bother posting cos my summary sucks i know and my brain is not functioning properly cos i'm sick. ugh i hate being sick.
on the upside, got to skip tuition and ballet tho ahahahahaha.
kay now back to being sick.
ps d starbucks dudette called me slim. at least, that's what she wrote on my frappucino.

glimpseosunshine

i feel like i can see a light at the end of the tunnel.
the end of darkness. and the beginning of something new.
maybe just maybe.
don't disappoint me.

distractions

thank goodness for distractions.

distractions, i thank you i thank you i thank you thank you thankewwwwwwwwww.
please continue to distract me.

aftermath

It sucks to be noboby, for all the right reasons.

on saturday i arrived at ballet school but i couldn't remember the door-opening combination number.
and then, i forgot it was mother's day until the actual day. i didn't even get my mum anything. i'm sorry.
and then, arriving at church i forgot it was my turn to do AV.

which just goes to show, i'm so damn preoccupied that i take no notice of my surroundings.
i'm a deluded moron. i can't change anything now. because it's over, and there's nothing i can do.
and then i wish i could turn back the clock again. i wish so bad. i cling on to those two days, remembering over and over again, picking on our every mistake, and if only we had done better, if only i had spotted those mistakes sooner, if only we had corrected them.

it haunts me at night.

we were nobody, we are nobody, and we never gonna be somebody. because it was our one and only chance, and we lost it.

oneweekago

exactly one week and a few hours back.

we were sitting on plastic chairs in an air conditioned hall. hearts beating wildly, hands gripped tight, eyes closed, muscles tense.

that moment held so much hope then.

exactly one week and zero hours back.

staring out the window, wishing i was holding another cup.

it has been one week.

but that doesn't change anything.

the end

All the way back from Kelantan, holding a trophy I didn't want.
Sleeping and waking, waking and then sleeping.
They say, the higher you climb, the harder you fall. I guess its true.
I'm sorry, everyone. I've failed you, let you down.

I guess this is the end. No more staying back until 630. No more skipping class. No more sunny days in the volleyball court. No more reading first aid manual at night, no more writing essays.

I'd rather do that for another month.

So, back to the normal life. I'll be able to drink cold drinks again. To go back to class. To go for house practice. To go back home early. I'll have time to watch afternoon tv now. Heck, I'll have time to blog.

pray

I pray for the nippon-jin.

Watched the news yesterday, it was like something out from the movie 2012. Imagine the fear and despair of the people there. Even to a observer, it looked terifying and horrible. The world, as we have known it, will come to an end soon. Little by little, of maybe in larger proportions, life will be wiped out.

And here we are, living our normal lives. I woke up today thinking, damn, isn't it so nice to be sleeping in for a change. Then mum had to come in the room and asked me if I wanted to go. No, I thought, let me sleep, I wanna sleep. I don't wanna go out, I have lots of homework to finish, I have tuition later, the ballet, then tomorrow I'll be in church the whole day, and then on Monday I'll arrive in school with loads of unfinished homework and get into loads of trouble. I ate a miserable breakfast, thinking, dammit I'll have to start on my homework soon what a way to spend my weekend, I never get to do anything fun, and can I risk going facebook for a while, and would I have time to finish my homework later?

AND THEN, it suddenly occured to me that it is a school holiday week. Amidst all the hectic schedule and chaos in the past two weeks, I forgot.

haiyor..

I don't understand why I bother keeping a blog if I write nothing in my blog. It's kinda frustrating that I have to keep updating just for the sake of updating, so that my blog won't be dead. I hardly disclose any information about anything in my blog, and if I do it's usually in some form of undecodeble nonsense. So people who read my blog (if any) will usually find nothing useful out of it, except that I am a nonsensical person who writes weird things. I constantly find it hard to share my feelings with people, which is why I won't tell you anything. It is very frustrating to keep your feelings all bottled up inside of course, but I never really tell anyone everything because I don't fully trust anyone. Which is why, (you'll know who you are if you're reading this) I have told you that I have built walls, and I won't bring the walls down because you'd shoot me. And I don't want to be shot at again.

See, more of the undecodable nonsense. I think that's all I write about these days. You have no idea how much I think when I'm alone. I'm quiet for a reason when I'm not talking, you know. That's why I am usually so talkative. Because talking is a very effective distraction from thinking. And thinking is sometimes depressing.

If Happy Pills existed, I'mma eat one right now. Not because I'm sad, but because I want to be happy.

herro

I had no idea that wine would affect your stamina, otherwise I would have thought twice about drinking that glass.

No kiding. Ran three point something kilometres this morning in an event that the whole of JB seemed to be attending. All that training man. All that stamina building. All gone la, thanks to stupid "Trophy" and complimentary canned chrysantenum tea and wine. Oh the wine.

Okay la, actually I planned to type more one, and go into the whole rigmorale of explaining the rentas desa in full detail, but nah I can't be bothered. I feel a bit tipsy from the wine (though I can tell you, I'm not drunk) but all I can say is that I'm very glad my nuisance of an asthma attack hadn't came and haunted me today. Or really, I would have ended up in the ambulance and would currently be sucking an inhaler in the hospital, and I wouldn't be typing this, nor would I have drank the wine, or the Heineken, or the complimentary chrysantemum tea.. come to think of it, maybe ending up in the hospital wouldn't be such a bad thing after all. At least I won't get a hangover and oversleep tomorrow. Oh crap.

Haih

Nothing more to say
No more ace to play

Hola

Have been busy, and all that. Here and back. There and back. Do this do that. To and fro. Round and round. And round and round. Life's a great big merry go round. I make no sense, but if you care to read between the lines, then you'll find out that

Actually I just have no time to blog. Ciao and happy thaipusam.

Remember December

Remembering December.

If I was given a chance,
I would go back to December,
To relieve the memories,
And live it once more.

I know I haven't been blogging for a while, and here's why. My December was busy busy busy. Here are just a few pictures.

After the Youth Christmas Party.

Carolling, first and second day. Both pictures don't show us singing, I know.

Christmas day.

This, is Youthquake 2010. Held in Peacehaven, Genting Highlands (that explains the jackets) from the 26-30 December 2010.

In the bus. I'm not sure whether it's the journey back or the journey to.

Note the uber tall guy in the middle.

Excuse my hair. It was still wet and I hadn't bothered to comb it.

I look taller than you, Elyssa.

New year's day, when all of us were back from Youthquake. This photo was taken in church at 12 am.

So, this pretty much summarizes my December. The front half was missing no doubt, but that was because we were in the midst of preparing for stuff and we hadn't bothered to take much pictures. In reality, the first half of December, I was more busy.

Anyway, I know I'm 8 days late, but I'd still like to say, Happy New Year 2011, everyone.

Okay, now back to homework.

Eh

All will be revealed. During the weekend. Right now i have no time. Not even for homework. Don't worry, I didn't abandon my blog :)