sighfolyfe

I really hate being the eldest grandchild. Bet very few of you would have had this "privilege", but believe me, given a choice I would have gladly put myself somewhere in the middle instead.

I am the first child of my grandmother's first child. Therefore I was the eldest grandchild. For the first year and ten months of my life I was doted upon, taken pictures of, basking in the love and attention of my grandparents and uncles and aunties and whatnot. But I don't really know how it feels like, cos I suppose I was too young to remember. I really envy this kind of attention that the only child/ or youngest child in the family gets all their life. Mine only lasted that short two years because, well, my brother came along. And then my cousin, and another cousin.

Let's draw the line here. This was even before Clarence or Isaac came along. The picture above shows the lunar new year of 04/05, i can't remember. And as you can see I am the one on the furthest left, the oldest one, the tallest one. Even then, you could see that I didn't fit in. I was at least a head taller than my cousins, and physically and mentally older too. I don't play the games they play. My brother and my cousin was one year apart, if he was 7 then she would be 6, and her brother would be 4. You can see the age gap. Me and my brother never played together anyway, and I was 3 years apart from my cousin. If they were playing together I would be reading a book. When my grandfather gave out presents everyone got toys and I got colour pencils. When we the grandchildren were asked to smile so some adult could take a picture of us (like the one above) I always felt awkward because I was so big, and they were so... small.

I had never felt young when we were having annual one-week family reunions in my grandma's house during Chinese new year. I was the biggest, the oldest, the one in charge. I wasn't allowed to think like a child i had to be practically grown up and responsible. If someone does something wrong, I would get the blame. If i do something wrong, i would be scolded for not being a good example If someone fell down, I would get chided for not looking after them properly. I didn't ask to be anyone's babysitter, but somehow I always was. I was expected to help sweep the floor or something while everyone else continued playing. The fact that I was so much more physically huger than them made me feel more different then I already was. I think that somehow contributed to making me what I am today. Perhaps that's why I am always so childish in school. Everytime I'm with my cousins I'll be forced to grow up, so maybe when I'm with my friends I refuse to grow up. Perhaps that's why I let my friends mother me instead, isn't that a nice change after minding three boisterous children? Maybe that's why I'm so immature in school, because I want to forget feeling "grown up an responsible"?

The eldest grandchild always tended to get overlooked. Especially after Isaac and Clarence came along. Both of them were so
lucky, although the age difference between them and us were at least 5 years, they were exactly the same age. they could be best of friends all right And the four of us (especially me) were given no more thought or notice. We were expected to mind ourselves while everyone else fussed and fretted over the two of them, attending to their every whim and complain. Sometimes, we were even expected to give in to them too!

I cannot stand giving in. All my life, I have been expected to give in to my brothers all my cousins, just because "well, they're younger than you". I have never ever had it my way before. I've always gotten second best to what I've wanted. I feel foolishly awkward playing alongside my cousins. I've been chided for things not my fault. I've been overlooked, unnoticed, like something in the background, which no one gives a second thought about. I've never been anyone's favorite, never been given special attention, I've always felt like a huge waste of space.

Well, I just hope the other eldest grandchilds don't suffer the same fate as me.